Mom Chronicles- Part 4
Dear Fellow Mamas lets get N-A-K-E-D,
Intros first. My name is Trina Dorsey. I became a nanny in the 6th grade. My parents
became foster parents when I was 12. I have worked in an inner city church loving on
children who taught me more about love than I’m sure I taught them. I have set up
“class” teaching the alphabet and numbers in the middle of Plaza de Armas for children
too poor to attend school as I spent a summer backpacking through Peru. I spent two
years as a teacher at an inner city middle school. I led an after school program for inner
city girls. I went to classes to become a foster parent when I was 25 and single. I am
blessed to represent, to love on and mother some of my sweetest youngest clients in
CPS cases. I am an Adoption Attorney and privileged to represent parents as they
extend their family through adoption. These different seasons of my life have one thing
in common, my love for children. I have always wanted to be a Mama. I, Trina Dorsey,
was created for Motherhood—at lest that’s what I thought until I became a mother.
Motherhood came to me through infertility, adoption,the good ole fashion way that we
call our “But God” child and now I am believing it will come again through secondary
infertility.
When I was a child and people would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up”
my response remained the same even through adulthood. “I want to be a mom” I would
declare. It has been the deepest desire in my heart that I can recall. I was made for
motherhood —despite not being able to will my body to meet the expectations of my
heart as I struggled through infertility.
I never wanted to be a personal trainer, spokesmodel, teacher or lawyer, all jobs I have
had. My dream has always been to be a mom. It is who the good Lord made me to be.
I believe when God was forming me in my mothers womb he was saying to himself,
“this one I am making to become a mom.” Knowing who I was created to be doesn’t
make this motherhood journey any less difficult.
If you could get fired from being a mom, I am sure I should have been fired a dozen
times. I have mastered being an imperfect mom. Like the time I dropped my child in
the washer machine, or the time I left one of my kids in the house ready to pull out of
the driveway when one of my other kids yelled, “mom we are missing someone,” or the
time I made everyone go to bed at 6 p.m because I was just done parenting for the day,
or the time I didn’t take my child to the doctor for 5 days when he had a fever and it
ended up being The Strep Throat, or the time I yelled at all my kids “I don’t care if God
told you to do it, if me or your dad tell you not to do something you better not do it!
(really I overrule God?) I could go on and on with ways I have performed less than great
as a mom.
When my husband and I first got married we had a different view of what ‘getting naked’
meant. He has adapted to my thought pattern, as any wise husband does, and now
knows that when I say, “Babe we need to get naked” I’m talking about getting real, being
open, and vulnerable with each other.
When I was asked to write about motherhood I knew I wanted to create a space that
gave other mom’s permission to be honest, vulnerable and real.
“These are things that you shall do: Speak truth to one another.”- Zechariah 8:16.
If the good Lord allowed me to rewrite the eighth chapter of Zechariah I would write:
“Theses are things that you should do: Speak truth to one another by getting
emotionally naked.” - Trina Dorsey
However, the Lord is good and therefore would never allow me to rewrite such a great
scripture as he knows my version of the verse could easily be misinterpreted and we
would then have people running around naked professing their search for authenticity.
If I had time to add one more hour to my schedule I would start a Mama’s support
group. We would let go of our fear of judgment and we would connect to other moms
through the thing that we all tend to think disconnects us, our imperfections.
Mom’s trust me when I say there is more connectedness in our imperfections than there
are in perfection. And lets be honest what fun is there in perfection. Mom’s know that
the really good stories about your children come through those moments of
imperfection.
If you’re a mom it is my hope that you will accept my invitation to take a moment, get
comfortable, take off your shoes, find a good comfy pillow to plop down on, remove that
tight irritable bra you’ve had on all day long and give yourself a few moments to realize
you are not alone on this journey through motherhood. Let me encourage you now.
What you are doing is enough. Who you are to your children will not change despite
your mistakes. Mamas you are awesomeness! You second guessing your
parenting…it’s normal.
I am pretty transparent as I journey through motherhood. I hope that by me being open
and vulnerable and submitting myself to judgment other moms are given permission to
be vulnerable— to feel free to say that being a mom is overwhelming, isolating and can
make you question your qualification for the job. To admit that there are times that you
as a mom have feelings of inadequacy, selfishness, guilt and sometimes wonder why in
the world have you always dreamed of being a mother because this job is HARD— and
yet, oh a big yet is needed here, YET you still persevere knowing that you are loving
your children well, you are a good mama, and that you wouldn’t trade this path for any
other.
One thing all moms have in common is that God made us all with a womb—the place
where something is generated, a place that encompasses- a protective space. Ladies
this is a big deal! Whether your womb works like it’s suppose to or is all funkdafied like
mine and refuses to naturally participate in the very activity I thought it was created for,
you as a woman were given the gift of a womb, and with that gift comes great
expectations.
Oh my goodness mamas we have a huge responsibility. God gave us a womb to birth
from. (see I know I shouldn’t end this sentence in a preposition but it just needs to at 3
a.m.— grace ladies…grammatical grace please) God gave us a womb to birth
greatness in not only our children but to others we are called to mother. Like all things
with God I’m certain this was intentional.
Mamas we are not just responsible for birthing out the greatness in our children, we are
birthing out the greatness in our children’s friends, in the children in our youth ministry,
orphaned children in foster care and even the greatness in our husbands that we may
see that they don’t.
God gave you, me and every other mama a womb because he knew we could handle
the responsibility that comes with it. You may have thought your uterus was just for
physical labor. No mamas. The use of your womb doesn’t end with the act of child birth.
That’s just the beginning.
On this journey through motherhood when I have the thoughts of “this is too much, this
is more than I expected, I don’t think I’m doing this mother thing the right way, my kids
would be better off begin raised by coyotes, I remember God entrusted me, with my
womb, to birth out the greatness of my children.
However, knowing this truth doesn’t stop my 3:00 a.m. thoughts as I’m lying awake in
my bed. This is the time when I grade myself. Did I hug the kids enough, did I make eye
contact with them, did I read to them enough, did I teach them about God, am I
choosing the right way to educate them, did I stop what I was doing and really listen to
them when they ran in the house in excitement?
And lets not forget all the other responsibilities mothers have. I start to think about the
floor I need to mop before their little feet wake up, the doctor appointments I need to
make, the emails I need to respond to, the trial I need to prep for. I wonder if I am
marketing my business correctly, if I should go to that conference that will have me
away from my kids for four days. I wonder if who I am and what I am doing is enough.
Every time these hyperventilating thoughts enter my mind in the silence that is at 3:00
a.m I can hear my God whisper to me- “Trina it is enough, I don’t call the qualified I
qualify those I call.” Mama’s let me whisper the same thing to you, “Who you are and
what you are doing for your children is enough. God will continue to qualify you
throughout your journey through motherhood.”
Let me take off another layer and get really naked with you. I’m not just an adoption
attorney. I have a heart for adoption. Being an advocate for adoption isn’t what I do, it is
who I am. I am a believer in the beauty of adoption. I am a believer in:
“Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf welcomes me, and anyone
who welcomes me welcomes not only me but also my father who sent me." —Mark 9:37
Motherhood through adoption is beautiful and incredible but let me be honest with you.
The beauty and incredibleness of adoption doesn’t mean it’s not complex. For months
after we adopted our two kids I would lay in the bed and cry tears of confusion and tears
of self doubt. I was questioning why I still felt like I was babysitting. Why I didn’t
immediately feel bonded to them. Thank God I had my husband I could get naked with
because I was freaking out.
Time has taught me that all these feelings is a part of the journey through motherhood.
I had no idea that I will likely spend many more years awake at night thinking of my
children, worrying about my children, praying for my children, allowing self-doubt to
creep in at times because that is all a part of motherhood.
Whatever season of motherhood you are in I want to encourage you to be free to be
emotionally naked. The next time you’re at a grocery store and a random stranger says
“It looks like you have your hands full” smile and know that having your hands full is
probably better than having them empty.
The next time motherhood is a struggle for you I encourage you to lean into the storm
and take a deep breath knowing that there is a squad of other mamas who are cheering
for you.
Know that on the other side of your womb is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate
woman. Know that on the other side of your womb is a handsome, intelligent, selfless,
well mannered young man. On the other side of the womb, after the contractions of life
have settled, is going to be the fruit of your labor.
Mamas lets start a movement today. No more pretending that motherhood is a walk in
the park. Instead lets encourage other mamas as they journey through motherhood
because the truth is, sometimes motherhood is a walk through a dark forest where you
are just trying to put one foot in front of the other.
Mama’s lets give other mamas permission to be emotionally naked- to say that
motherhood can be hard and admit that there are times we feel inadequate and
unqualified for the job- and yet still know that through motherhood we are awesome,
that we are loving well and that we wouldn’t trade this journey for any other.
Mamas lets show other mamas more grace. Lets have more mamas celebrating
mamas. Motherhood in all its beauty, complexities and ambiguities is hard. All mamas
are different. We have different backgrounds, different parenting styles and different
stories. And though our differences may appear great, we are united in this journey
through motherhood.
Mamas what you are doing and who you are is enough. You are loving well and the fruit
of your labor will be great.
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