The Longest Engagement of my Dreams
I had a friend in college come up to me one day and tell me she had a dream about me the night before. To be honest she wasn’t really a friend, more of an acquaintance, but super sweet nonetheless. We had a couple of classes together and we were put in a group project together. Anyways, she proceeded to tell me that her dream was about my wedding. Mind you, I was not engaged at the time. I wasn’t even dating anyone and if I’m being completely honest I didn’t even have any potential candidates on my radar. She went on to explain that in her dream she was on a trip to Brazil with her boyfriend when she got a call from someone saying my wedding was in a couple of days. She proceeded to explain that for some reason she yelled at her boyfriend to book a flight back to the states so that she could get back in time for my wedding. The conversation ended by her telling me that she doesn’t know why she had that dream, especially since we were barely friends. But she wanted to tell me so ONE, she would be added to my invite list when I was actually about to get married and TWO, she really thinks my wedding is going to be amazing! Hahahha
I wish I could say I’m making that story up, but I’m not. I remember walking away from that conversation that day and I couldn’t help but actually think about my wedding. These questions in particular came to mind:
Who would I invite?
Would it be big or small?
Should I elope (mom would kill me)?
Will my husband be cute (he better be, ha)?
Will I be smarter than him (Jesus, if he went to bible college, I pray he actually finished. Like I’m so serious. Lawd help!)?
Will I have enough money to buy a Cavalli wedding gown like Ciara’s or a Givenchy gown like Kim K’s?
My final question was: HOW LONG WOULD MY ENGAGEMENT BE?
If you’re anything like me, you like quick results, I hate waiting (hence, I want a short engagement, duh!). I actually think I’d rather have the rapture take place, than wait. I’m the type of person that will be miserable, doing something I loathe, if I know there are guaranteed results on the other side of it that I want. I’ve been like this for the longest. Always setting high expectations, goals, plans, and dreams for my life. I’ve been convinced for the longest too that if the plan or dream doesn’t work out it’s because my lack of something. I didn’t study hard enough. I wasn’t smart enough or strong enough. I mean that’s justifiable right? The bible even talks about having vision for your life. A plan. A goal. Proverbs 29:18 says, “When there’s no vision, the people get out of control, but whoever obeys instruction is happy. Then why am I so uptight and unhappy?
These are the questions and thoughts that began to become more prominent in my life my junior year of college at SMU. I say prominent because this idea of setting an expectation or plan for my life is something I’ve always done, but honestly, it had always worked out until I was a senior in high school.
I was 12 years old and went to Anaheim, California for dance at Disney. It was Nationals. “I hopped out the plane at L.A.X with a dream and my cardigan!” LITERALLY! I asked my mom what is this place. I love it! I want to live here. By the time I was in high school I had every “T” crossed, every “I” dotted and my college applications were PERFECT. SAT score on point, Check. Top 10%, Check! Involved in dumb clubs after school, Check. I applied to 10 schools total, 9 in Texas and 1 in the great state of California. UCLA! I was going to be a Bruin! My brother took me to visit and I loved it! I put my eggs in many baskets as any smart soon-to-be college student does, but there was only one school I wanted. Funny how things work out, I ended up getting into every single school, except UCLA.
I didn’t know it then, but that rejection began a crazy journey for me. A journey of waiting. A journey of fighting for contentment. A journey of trusting. I often say my academic/professional journey is really a faith journey for me. One I wish I could say I’ve master. I haven’t, but here’s what I’ve learned and I’m still learning:
The end result or victory is always much sweeter when you’ve had to wait for it. I’m saying this in faith because I haven’t even had my “victory”. Waiting produces hunger. It builds hope. It sets a fire in your soul to relentlessly pursue His presence. You start to want to dig in His word. You find scripture to hold onto. You cling for life to His promises. You cry uncontrollable in His presence. You become expectant. It’s hard. Your prayers turn into legit conversations with God. You start listening to the word all the time. You start late night podcasts.
Discontentment is a thief of joy. The breeding ground for discontentment is ungratefulness. Before you ask God for anything in your prayers, thank him for who He is in your life, in your family’s life, in your friend’s life, in your church, etc. In the words of Steven Furtick, you choose what you magnify. If it helps, make yourself write down 3 things at the end of each day that made you smile. Sometimes you have to fake it until you start believing it. One of my favorite stories in the bible is found in Mark. It’s about a man who has a son who is demon possessed and his father tells the disciples hoping they can help, but they can’t so he takes him to Jesus. The man proceeds to ask Jesus, IF he can do anything please help. Mark 9:24 says, at that the boy’s father cries out, “Lord I believe, but help my unbelief.” I need to tattoo that on me. Seriously. To be honest, I’ve been there. 99% of my prayers are that.
God has a plan. In the words of Judah Smith “You make the plan and God keeps changing it.” Jeremiah 29:11 is so overrated sometimes. I began to ask God to give me new revelation of this verse. Like I know He has a plan, but can he let me in on just a little bit of it. Ask Him that. He will, little by little. He’ll do it through scripture, worship, people you trust, prophecy, and dreams.
Lastly, withdrawing doesn’t mean quitting. Sometimes you just have to stop. Take a break. I feel like I’m in a season right now of not planning and just letting God lead me. You can come back to it, or you don’t have to. Even when everyone around you seems to be accomplishing, it’s okay to regroup and reorient your heart. Yield it to him. Whatever that may be for you. It was the CPA for me. Done. Over it. For now, at least.
I wish I could end this blog by saying I’m currently living in the chicest, yet extremely tight little apartment in West Hollywood, California, working as a buyer at Neimans or hosting at E News and building the cutest lifestyle blog on the side. It’s quit contrary actually. I’m in my pjs, at my parents’ house in Cedar Hill, Texas. I just graduated with a master’s degree in accounting and I work for a Big 4 Accounting Firm. I don’t have my CPA and I don’t want it and hopefully by reading this blog you’ve already gathered why. This post, like my life is a faith journey. God hasn’t released me yet and that’s hard, but it’s worth it. It’s the longest engagement of my dreams.
Ps- Raema is the greatest. The sweetest friend and mentor. My go to. It’s an honor to get to share my heart on her platform. She’s a spiritual giant that I get the privilege of learning under.
Pss- ACCOUNTING FASHION: A LIFESTYLE BLOG BY AMANDA MADU about my post grad journey in navigating my career and staying true to what I love; all while wearing the cutest outfits possible and putting Jesus at the center of my heart. In hopes that you will be encouraged, inspired, and comforted by it! You can check that out here!