"When it's time you will know, you will just walk into it." Can I tell you how much I HATED these words? These words didn't comfort me, in fact they made me angry and frustrated. I'm sorry, I can't "wait" for God's "timing" because I have crap to do and I was going to make it my mission to force that timing to happen on MY schedule. I would pray in a way that was very manipulative, I would command God move mountains and open doors. I would strategically place myself so I would gain recognition that would lead to opportunities. Then, door after door after door was sealed shut and I was left just chillin in the hallway of my life. Screaming at doors, trying to force them open, pounding on them with no success. I recall crying and cussing and manipulating and striving and all this left me broken and empty.
I even remember having a dream where I was pregnant, standing in a room and I would walk up to a door and it was close itself, I would go to another door and it would close itself, until every door was shut then Jesus appeared. In the dream I yelled at Him, "WHY WON'T YOU LET ME OUT?" He didn't answer, then I asked Him, "Will you at least tell me when I'm going to have this baby?" Jesus smirked and shrugged His shoulders and said, "soon" and disappeared then I woke up. Even in my own dreams I felt trapped.
This season of my life was by far the most difficult I have had to walk through. But it wasn't necessarily hard outwardly but there was this internal storm raging. I knew I was called to do "big" things but there was absolutely nothing big about this season. In fact, I felt so small and I felt like God was constantly breaking me. Like wave after wave of disappointment. This season went on for over a year. A whole year of breaking, stripping away, humbling, releasing, forgiving, trusting, restoring and healing.
I remember in the beginning of August, as school was getting closer and closer to starting I looked at the calendar and thought, "it is so weird to look at a calendar and see an actual date where your life will change." You see, I have stayed home taking care of my kids for over 9 years and this was the year all of my kids would go to school and my life would look much different. I would wonder what I was going to do now. And then this day came. I got all of the kids ready for school, I cried as I left my last child in her class, I had coffee with my husband on our patio and I looked forward to a lunch I had scheduled for over a month, that afternoon. Lunch, without kids. Something I dreamed about.
I met Christine Handy that day. She is also an author and she lives in Dallas and I was excited just to meet another author. She shared with me all she walked through with her writing and publishing journey then she told me a story. She shared with me about this man who owns a publishing house who reached out to her asking if she would be interested in having his company publish her book. Something a publishing house almost NEVER does. She looked at me and said, "I need to connect you two." My cynical self thought, "YEAH! OK! Let's see how this goes!" Christine sent him an email while we sat at the table, then we went on chatting about life. I was just grateful for getting to meet a new friend and blown away by her generosity. Getting a book deal has been a dream of mine since I wrote my first book but there were absolutely ZERO avenues for that to happen for me.
Two hours later I received an email from this man who now I see OWNS the publishing house. He kindly thanked Christine for the introduction then asked me to send him my two books and he would look them over. At this point I'm freaking out because he RESPONDED to the email, I sent my books to him, said a quick prayer then released this into God's hands. After all I had been rejected and disappointed for a year straight so my expectation was SUPER low. THE NEXT DAY I got an email from him asking to set up a phone call to talk about my goals and future. I stared at this email for about 10 minutes. Blinking and re reading over and over because I HAD to be reading this wrong. I was looking for the fine print that said, "PSYCH! JK your books are garbage. Good try." So, I scheduled a call for the following Monday expecting it to be a wrong number. Like the number you would give a guy you didn't really want to talk to but you felt bad flat out rejecting him so you would give him a fake number?
Monday rolled around, I dialed the number and I heard, "HELLO RAEMA! This is David it's so good to talk to you." I threw up in my mouth a little as I responded. The whole time thinking, "don't say anything weird. Sweet Jesus don't let Awkward Raema join this call." Near the end of the call this man says, "I want to present your book to our publishing board. I don't forsee having any problems getting it accepted. I'll stay in touch!" I hung up the phone and looked at the wall, wondering what kind of freak twighlight zone episode I was in. Did this call really just happen? 3 days went by, and I got an email from David telling me the board accepted it and it was being looked over by their theological board and he will know that morning if it passes their review (so basically checking to make sure I'm not some sort of heretic). I heard nothing that day, assuming I didn't pass and wasn't really a Christian. Then Friday, one week and 4 days after the date on the calendar that my life would change, I received a congratulations email and a contract.
A contract. By a legit publishing house. That I didn't orchestrate. That I just walked into. That just fell into my lap. Now roughly two years later, I get it. I get what they meant when they told me, "when it's time you will know, you will just walk into it." Now I see why this last year was a total crap fest. Why I was broken and re-molded by God. If I had that same attitude and heart posture NOW that I had THEN I would have felt entitled. I would have thought I deserved this opportunity, which I absolutely do NOT! There are better authors, better communicators, better leaders then me, but this is the season God chose for ME. And I am so glad this didn't happen pre-maturely. I think August 22, 2016 wasn't just the date all my kids would go to school, I think God was also preparing me to shift into a new season in my calling.
So, October 3rd, 2017 Because Crack is Illegal will be re-released and on the shelves of all book stores but you will be able to buy the e book and a physical copy of the new book prior to my release date on my website only. A dream I had for this book will become a reality. More women will be reached by God's message and I am so thankful for all of YOU who have made any of this possible. Thank you for believing in me, praying for me, encouraging me and picking me up off the ground when I wanted to quit. Thank you for continuing with me on this journey as we get it to the shelf!
I just want to say, if you have a dream that seems delayed, that seems like it will never happen God's timing is perfect. As frustrating as the wait can be, it actually re calibrates your heart and prepares you for what He has in store for you. Be at peace, God hasn't forgotten about you!
Make sure to stop by Friday!
All items will be on sale, perfect stocking stuffers!