You were there the day he and I became one. You are the one who heard our prayer and granted us oneness. You heard us an wept as he and I spent the next 8 years slicing at our own flesh: exchanging disabling violence, razor sharp words, and destructive unfaithfulness. Each blow was more damaging than the last. One day the final blow was dealt, the one that severed the last shred of flesh that joined us.
I couldn’t look at you then, do you remember? I knew you were there, standing over me while I bled out on the ground. I wouldn’t look into your face. I had too many shameful parts and only two hands with which to cover them. One day I felt you sit next to me. Day by day you just waited…
Each day I would use my infuriatingly small hands to attempt to cover the sins I was currently most ashamed of. I knew that I was dying, and that you could save me, but I couldn’t cover enough of my sins to feel confident enough to ask. I felt like you left me one day, like I knew you would. I rolled over relieved that I no longer needed to hide my sins due to your absence. I was alone and I could drown in my shame.
I opened my eyes, finally, and realized quickly that you were still by my side. I didn’t have time to hide; I was laid bare… fully exposed. You grabbed my hands before I could cover myself. You placed them firmly by my side and instructed me to stay. My shame was choking me, and I was blinded because of my weeping. “I’m so sorry” I uttered unintelligibly through my gasping breaths. I whispered “Don’t look at me. Please don’t look at me.” Disregarding my request you silently stood over me, opened your own veins, and combined your blood with mine. Shocked and appalled I decided that we would both die there that day. Resigned to our deaths I slowed my breathing, closed my eyes, and bathed in your blood.
I didn’t die. You, quite un-dead, used your own garments, bare hands, and warm tears to clean me. To my surprise my own bleeding had stopped too. My torn and ragged flesh was healed. I looked frantically for the shame I had spent the last year trying to hide and it was gone. You said, “I’ve been waiting for you to need me. Get up and do not return to the things that I have removed from you.”
So we left. And you have been by my side ever since, reminding me of my healing and my purity. Thank you for my healing.
My name is Jessica Weir. I have been raised by love, challenged by love, broken by love, and saved by love. I got married for the first time when I was 19 and had two beautiful boys. I got divorced when I was 26 and I lost love, but love never lost me. I go through life headfirst with a personality I often wish was muted, but my new husband of 4 months celebrates and encourages me. I've struggled with mental illness, found immense professional success, laughed hard enough to make my lungs burn, cried torrential tears, and formed friendships I would die for. But, hey, this is life, and I'm truly so honored to get to live it! Oh, and I believe love has a name and his name is Jesus.